Reality TV Shows regularly promote some of the most toxic and vitriolic personalities. Whether they focus on heterosexuals or homosexuals, the presence of truly dislikable people is a guarantee. Netflix’s The Ultimatum: Queer Love falls perfectly into this trend, showcasing the full gambit, from the composed queen to narcissistic party girl, with none quite so divisive as Vanessa Papa. Papa was the four-years-committed girlfriend of Xander Boger, and the one who received the ultimatum.

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The outgoing blonde has been so contentious that most of the cast turned against her. Viewers were just as off-put, even creating an entire Reddit thread devoted to her absolutely baffling and frequently appalling behavior. So, it comes as no surprise that news of the couple’s breakup had many fans overjoyed. Four years may be a long time after which to suddenly call quits, but Xander fully realizes just how massive of a bullet she dodged by breaking things off with her former paramour.

While she was incredibly diplomatic about it, Xander seems to have realized the abundance of toxic behaviors her ex-girlfriend showcased. “I don’t [think Vanessa would’ve wanted to get engaged] unless it was to benefit her in some way,” she told People in an exclusive interview. She continued, “I don’t think that it would’ve been for us. And I don’t think that [it] would’ve been…because she wanted to be with me necessarily.”

 Xander claims that if Vanessa had accepted her proposal it wouldn’t have been for love, but rather, she said, “I think it would’ve been for her control or because she wanted to make herself look good.”

Throughout the season, Vanessa consistently displayed disregard for her fellows’ feelings, and while plenty of what was depicted can be chalked up to creative editing, the copious amounts of alcohol the contestants consumed, or the performative nature of it all, there was an insincerity to Vanessa’s return to the relationship, one Xander couldn’t move past. “What if I did propose to Vanessa? If she said yes… I would’ve looked at her and I would’ve been like, ‘I don’t believe you.’”

For her part, Vanessa says she was open to the proposal, “I would have committed to an engagement if that was her choice…Let’s see where this goes.”

Even when espousing her supposed desire to marry her former girlfriend, it sounds more like a framework of acceptance than desire. Vanessa elaborated on her frustrations around Xander’s decision to move on, sharing that “we are in a four-year relationship that definitely got stale in some aspects. Here’s this new person who’s new and shiny and ready to be romantically involved and kiss you and everything.” The “new and shiny” person she refers to here would be Xander’s trial wife, Yoly Rojas.

I may be reading too much into this but her phrasing, “kiss you and everything,” seems to indicate far more was wrong behind the scenes for the couple. Several quotes from the influencer have stuck with fans long after credits rolled, with one of her most contentious moments revolving around her insistence that Xander wouldn’t be able to find anyone during the competition. In the end, it seemed Vanessa was looking for greener pastures, but after failing to find them, was shocked that her “safe option” had decided to move on as well, “She was the ultimatum giver, and she took it back, which was not very nice to do.”

At least Xander learned to love someone more important than a future bride. “…Vanessa told me multiple times as we were ending the relationship, ‘You taught me what love is.’ I’m like, that’s great but I also figured out how to love myself…” After the competition it seems Xander is taking the time to just be, and it sounds like Vanessa is too. Hopefully she has used the time to re-examine herself in the same way that her ex did. The two haven’t managed to reconcile as friends just yet, but Vanessa says they are trying. Wherever these two end up in the future, most fans agree that they are better off walking those roads without each other. And Xander, seems to agree, when asked whether or not she saw a friendship in the future she seemed well aware that the former couple are, “an ‘in the past’ kind of thing.”